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| 05:50am 06/10/2009 |
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mood:  dorky music: Wicked the soundtrack
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I'm totally in love with Donna Vivino (Elphaba in the current Wicked tour), a product of my volunteering at the Paramount WAY too much. It's like a sickness. I even left an adoring note on her official website. Which she apparently checks and responds to regularly. I wonder if my mega-crushing is obvious to the unobservant eye....
"Well hello there, my name is Elyse. I'm a volunteer at the Paramount, and I've worked at least 8 shows over the last 3 weeks. I wasn't even a Wicked fan when I signed up, I just had lots of free time on my hands between quarters... but I can honestly say you've made me a believer. Each of your performances was better than the last. You have a tremendous energy and passion that absolutely shines through in everything you do on stage. It was fabulous. I kept thinking that there was no way you could maintain that level for yet ANOTHER show, but you never failed to outdo yourself and leave me utterly bedazzled.
And I'm sure you get this a lot, but your performance of "Defying Gravity"... there are no words. Every day I would go to my post for intermission with a big goofy grin, and then sing it nonstop for the next week. All of your solos were outstanding, really. "I'm Not That Girl" still gives me shivers, even when it's stuck in my head for days at a time. ;-) So thank you so much for the unexpected source of joy, it's very much appreciated in my too-hectic life. Although now I'll never be satisfied with another Elphaba again. I hope you're happy. ;-)" |
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| Ponderings on the female role |
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| 02:33pm 26/09/2009 |
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mood:  calm
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I’ve been thinking lately… women really do have all the power. Females provide the cellular building blocks and nourishment necessary for creating new life, females are the primary caregivers for the young, females guide evolution through selection of certain traits in males, and in many species females provide food and protection for the social group.
And what do men do? They provide genetic diversity. By mixing up their chromosomes with ours, they allow for the variation in traits between individuals that comes in handy when something happens to a population – only some die, rather than all.
And to top it all off, all developing embryos are inherently female unless provided with a product of the Y chromosome during a specific moment of development. So given all this, why are human societies traditionally male-dominated? |
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| The Amazing Race begins |
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| 12:37pm 17/05/2009 |
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mood:  optimistic
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I've finally decided to focus on my health. In order to measure my progress, I've decided to chronicle my weight-loss journey from this point on.
The first phase of my plan is to wean myself off my my inner demons by putting myself on a liquid diet for an extended period of time. For some reason this is easier for me than portion control, or simply avoiding unhealthy food in lieu of healthier snacks. This will shrink my stomach and get me acclimatized to eating less food. Moreover, the occasional healthy meal will taste so much better because I'll be so used to bland protein shakes. The overall effect of this will be (I hope) to retrain and gain a taste for healthy foods.
Once I have my diet (and homework) under control, Phase 2 will begin. I will start to incorporate more exercise into my schedule. I will aim for a minimum of 4 days a week, at least an hour a day. Whether it's the gym, or hiking, or bike riding, or extended walking, or kayaking, or rock climbing (I now officially have my belay pass), I will make time for more of the things that are good for me.
Phase 3 consists of weaning myself off of protein shakes my incorporating more small healthy meals into my diet. Instead of three large meals a day, I will give myself 5 small meals that are equally satisfying. I will build a recipe collection that is filled with high-flavor and decadent foods that are also low in calories. In this way, I will keep my calorie intake below my daily energy use, and thus continue to lose weight.
My baseline: lbs.,
My progress thus far: I've been on the protein shake for 3 days now. It hasn't been that difficult. I make a big jug to take to school with me, and sip on it all day. Then I come home and either have a small healthy dinner or a few snacks, usually totaling 400 calories or less. This means that I've been consuming roughly 600-800 calories per day. Yesterday was slightly different, as I had a scramble for breakfast and sushi for dinner - healthy, but calorie dense. Then I went to a party that night and consumed 3-5 beers (it's difficult to discern a number with beer pong). After which I ate a bunch of snacks and such. And unfortunately today my upset stomach has inspired some overeating as well.
So note to self: don't drink to excess while dieting. It will only set you back a few days. |
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| Incriminations |
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| 02:17pm 08/02/2009 |
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mood:  aggravated
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Yet further evidence that all Brian wants is sex: I checked Heather's Myspace today (his friend Heather) and he left her a comment telling her he misses her and how he's looking forward to seeing her and that she's his number one. He finds time to comment on other peoples' pages, and yet he STILL hasn't even added me as a friend. If he really wanted to build a friendship, why would he still have a problem with such simple things? I'll tell you why, it's because he still thinks he has a chance with me and wants to keep rigid boundaries between us. Or he's worried something I see on his Myspace will drive me away.
This little gesture toward someone else hurts a lot, regardless of the fact that he texted me the day before. It just goes to show that we probably can't have the friendship I want, let along a BFF arrangement. So I'll give him another chance if he does end up coming around again, but only if it fits into my schedule. And only then if he absolutely stays on his best behavior... if I even get the slightest vibe that sex is his underlying intention, I'm out.
This is why Heather is so good for me. I don't have to play these stupid games with her. If she's in a weird mood, or she does something odd or potentially hurtful, all I have to do is ask and she'll give me a full explanation. There are no secrets, no evasiveness, no need to wonder why she does what she does.
Speaking of Heather, she and I went to the Snoqualmie Casino last night. My second time in a casino. We got drinks and played slots for a few hours, and I ended up winning 13 bucks... gas money! Pretty awesome, if I do say so. Then we came back and watched Star Trek with my dad, and ate waffles with my parents this morning. It was a pretty damn good time, all told. So why do I feel so trapped and ambivalent toward her? I'll tell you why, it's because she's not overly affectionate like Brian. She doesn't constantly tell me how amazing I am, only to stop once she gets what she wants. |
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| Done and done. |
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| 06:19am 27/01/2009 |
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mood:  accomplished
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I definitely just spent my first night on a couch at school. And it wasn't half bad, either. Granted... I was sore and exhausted, and could have probably fallen asleep anywhere. But this was somehow special to me.
I feel like I've attained a certain right of passage... that somehow I'm finally a REAL student because I'm willing to sleep on public couches. Or maybe it just shows how pathetic and homeless I really am. However there definitely was a definite camaraderie amongst those of us in that room... a sense that we were bonded together in our sacrifice of warm, soft beds to the Gods of Higher Education. |
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| One of life's interesting moments. |
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| 05:46pm 21/01/2009 |
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mood:  enthralled
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I just loaned my phone to a cute guy who apparently speaks both Russian and English fluently. He keeps switching back and forth while talking on the phone, sometimes even mid-sentence. It's really trippy. |
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| Journal Woes... |
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| 06:20pm 11/01/2009 |
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mood: accomplished
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I've been trying to switch over to a paper journal, but all that handwriting is sooo tedious. By the time I'm done finishing a sentence, I'll have forgotten what I was going to write next. I don't have room in my head to keep entire thoughts while I'm focusing on writing too.
So I may be forced to resign myself to livejournal... for the rest of my life.
For those of you who keep both, how do you balance them? Any techniques for creating comprehensible journal entries by hand? |
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| Vocab Update |
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| 06:19pm 11/01/2009 |
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mood: accomplished
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You know what's an awesome word??
Verily.
Adding it to my daily word usage.... now. |
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| Musings... |
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| 09:30am 18/11/2008 |
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mood:  pensive
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For the last few years I've considered myself an agnostic, assuming it meant that I just don't care enough to figure out whether or not a higher power exists. However I've never really bothered to find out the real meaning of the term, until now.
I definitely don't believe in the Christian view of God... or, for that matter, any religious view of any deity. I recently read an essay on an atheist blog that neatly summarizes my reasoning for this in one paragraph. "Even more puzzling to me is the notion that God gives us all a purpose, and that purpose is to worship him. How could anyone embrace such a depressing and limiting worldview? It makes us out to be slaves, or puppets, or canned applause, created by a vain and insecure deity just so we could constantly tell him how great he is. Equally bad, in my view, is the concept that the purpose God has decreed for us is to believe in him and follow his rules so that we may be saved. If that is what God wanted for us, why didn't he create us in Heaven in the first place? Why did he create us apart from him and then set up a series of arbitrary hurdles we must jump over to get back to him? This view reduces humanity to a rat running a maze."
But what IS the point of life? I can't accept that I exist just to appease a higher power, but at the same time a life without some higher purpose seems so pointless... I'm simply here to survive and reproduce, just like every other life form. Atheists say that beauty and human kindness give life meaning, but I don't know that I hold to that either. The value of my life is based on my ability to observe and appreciate beauty and kindness? How do we judge the value of a life? Is it egocentric to want my life to be valuable? To be more than a simple continuation of evolution? |
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| Hello world! |
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| 08:10am 20/10/2008 |
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mood:  busy
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For the first time in a while, I'm becoming interested in life again. I think that trip down to Portland really did work wonders. Spending time with family and getting out into the world really helped me to put things in perspective. Granted, spending time with anyone right now just inflames my insecurities, but I think I'm truly on the mend now. I went to the Saturday market and had actual fun, without any thoughts of Brian. I came up with tons of ideas for Christmas presents, and I'm actually excited to get back into crafting again. I no longer feel the need to spend all of my time with other people, in fact I'm very much looking forward to spending more time alone. It would seem that taking a trip is a great cure for a breakup.
To top it all off, I've been reading history all morning and actually ENJOYING it. Granted, I have midterms in 5 hours and I probably won't be able to get everything done, but I'm still feeling pretty damn good about it. I haven't been interested in school at all for a long time now, this is refreshing. In fact, instead of wasting time on the internet I actually want to keep going. So I'm off. |
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| Insight from Cracked.com |
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| 02:32pm 24/09/2008 |
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mood:  amused
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Ha! I just read an article on Cracked that not only makes sense, but also offers a good explanation for how I operate:
Well, there are these primitive, lower parts of your brain called amygdalae that controls those base, emotional reactions. That's where things like contempt and shame come from, and stimulating it can completely shut down the analytical part of your brain. You can thank evolution for that. Way back when humans started forming groups and tribes, social status was everything. It's what guaranteed you food, protection and ladies (that is, a chance to pass on your genes). Mockery developed as a "conformity enforcer" to keep people in line.
Making a person, idea or behavior the target of mockery gave it a lower social position, and made it clear that anybody who associated with it would share that lower position, leaving them out of the hunting/eating/fucking that made life in the tribe worthwhile. Thousands of years later, a good dose of mockery can shut down critical thinking and make us fall right in line, no questions asked.
And here's another one:
Basically, we're hard-wired by evolution to form tribes. The more stress we feel, the more we feel love and attachment to those who look and sound the same as us, and the more we feel hatred to those who don't. It's just an old survival mechanism, since the ancient guys who didn't show that kind of blind loyalty were killed off by the fierce tribes formed by the ones who did. But to really make this one work, They can't just define your group, but have to define your group as the elite group, a shining beacon in a world full of weak-minded walking turds.
Not only is "Us vs Them" the first and most important one on the list, it's the culmination and end goal of all the others. Drawing you into the right tribe is what They want most, because they can accomplish nothing without tribesmen.
It's not often an actual thought-provoking article makes it onto Cracked, this was pretty surprising. Of course, I love finding the biological and evolutionary causes of my own behavior. Like how I thought that Brian smelled so good, even though no one else could smell anything on his shirt that I still have.
Man, this author's good. Funny and poignant. I'm reading another article of his, where he hits my main issue with the world right on the head:
Scientists call it the Naked Photo Test, and it works like this: say a photo turns up of you nakedly doing something that would shame you and your family for generations. Bestiality, perhaps. Ask yourself how many people in your life you would trust with that photo. If you're like the rest of us, you probably have at most two. Even more depressing, studies show that about one out of four people have no one they can confide in. The average number of close friends we say we have is dropping fast, down dramatically in just the last 20 years. Why?
According to David Wong, there are seven reasons. We have a lower tolerance for annoyance, because it's so easy to avoid people and the outside world that we can't control. This leads to our inability to deal and cooperate with incompatible people, or even people with different interests. "There's a sort of comfort in needing other people and being needed on a level beyond common interests. It turns out humans are social animals after all. And that ability to suffer fools, to tolerate annoyance, that's literally the one single thing that allows you to function in a world populated by other people who aren't you. Otherwise, you turn emo. Science has proven it."
Also, texting sucks. Over 40 percent of everything gets lost in translation, apparently. So, in other words, 40 percent of your personality doesn't come across, or comes across wrong. Furthermore, only 7 percent of the meaning of a conversation is in the words. The rest is all body language and tone. Apparently sarcasm is simply mismatching words and tone, which is completely lost in texting. Heh, never thought of it that way. And without these other cues, bad things can happen: "Absent a sense of the other person's mood, every line we read gets filtered through our own mood instead. The reason I read my friend's chili message as sarcastic was because I was in an irritable mood. In that state of mind, I was eager to be offended." So that's why I get more easily offended when I'm feeling depressed. And this is so true it made my breath catch: "That human ability to absorb the moods of others through that kind of subconscious osmosis is crucial. Kids born without it are considered mentally handicapped. People who have lots of it are called "charismatic" and become movie stars and politicians. It's not what they say; it's this energy they put off that makes us feel good about ourselves."
Apparently we don't get enough criticism from close friends. This seems like a roundabout explanation for why we don't have close friends to begin with, but I'll read on... ah, I see. He means we don't get enough real criticism, so we never work on improving ourselves. He says most of what we get are insults, which are meaningless. "An insult is just someone who hates you making a noise to indicate their hatred. A barking dog. Criticism is someone trying to help you, by telling you something about yourself that you were a little too comfortable not knowing." I guess this means that I have do have close friendships, as I know exactly what he's talking about when he says "Those horrible, awkward, wrenchingly uncomfortable sessions that you can only have with someone who sees right to the center of you."
And, back to texting: "E-mail and texting are awesome tools for avoiding that level of honesty. With text, you can respond when you feel like it. You can measure your words. You can pick and choose which questions to answer. The person on the other end can't see your face, can't see you get nervous, can't detect when you're lying. You have almost total control and as a result that other person never sees past your armor, never sees you at your worst, never knows the embarrassing little things about yourself that you can't control. Gone are the common quirks, humiliations and vulnerabilities that real friendships are built on." |
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| Today on Oprah: Life-changing Star Wars knock-offs |
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| 10:09pm 04/02/2008 |
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mood:  procrastinatory music: The murmur of people actually studying.
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I just watched a clip from the 1980 Turkish Star Wars, and I honestly feel that I can die happy. The final moments of the movie basically consisted of an ugly, middle-aged "Luke" kicking the crap out of a bunch of wookies and goblin-robots. Or, rather, guys dressed in horribly unconvincing alien costumes - I'm pretty sure that the majority were simply draped in sheets. Interspersed within the action scenes were a few distorted Death Star space-battle clips, no doubt in violation of every copyright law in existence... although I doubt Turkish movie-makers worry about such things. In actuality the clips have nothing to do with the plot, but rather seem to function as the only actual Star Wars link in the film. The soundtrack consists of random abruptly-insterted action movie music - not from Star wars, but from Indiana Jones. But wait, it gets better.
Rounding out the awesomeness of the movie is the point at which our hero decapitates a man with his bare hands... and abruptly and inexplicably refashions the head into a grenade to wreak death and destruction upon yet another unsuspecting alien. This was really the shining moment of the film, in my opinion... Thus ends my commentary. |
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| 11:56am 07/12/2007 |
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mood: calm music: Seal
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I'm going to try to write something new every day. It may just be journalling, or I might someday start a story. Or I could even try my hand at poetry. I just realized the other day that I haven't done any creative writing in years. I guess college really does suck the fun and creativity out of everything.
I've finally reached the final 100 pages of The Fountainhead. I've been reading it since my trip to France, and I've never found a book so bursting with food for thought. While I don't really agree with much of Ayn Rand's philosophy, she does have a keen ability to inspire self reflection in her readers... so much so that I often feel like it can't all fit in my brain. The Fountainhead centers around the virtues of integrity, strength of character, and competance in one's work. And let's not forget that the entire book is one long sales pitch for capitalism. But it's hard not to wonder whether I have the tendencies of what Rourke calls a "second-hander". Am I someone who's self-esteem only exists in the eyes of other people? Am I someone who has no integrity, save for when other people are watching? Am I someone who takes pride in my work, regardless on what other people think? More and more the title of "second-hander" seems to fit better than it would have even a few years ago. It's not all despair, however. Somewhere in all the self-doubt I also see a flicker of hope that I can turn this around - that I could maybe become a person of integrity once again. Like I used to be.
I've been feeling the need lately to work with kids again. I'm beginning to realize that without children around me I tend to take my life too seriously. Children really do keep me young, mentally and spiritually. So I've started answering ads for babysitters, and I'm trying to renew my volunteering at Children's.
I suppose that's enough reflection for one entry. Time to go meet with perspective employers! |
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| 11:29am 23/11/2007 |
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mood: calm
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Gaah, this paper is driving me crazy! It's so much more work than I had realized. I can't believe I thought I could get it done in the matter of a few days. I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm not cut out for science writing. At least, not research writing. Writing for pop science magazines may still be a possibility though.
Anyway, life is good. Dad and I are building an organic garden up in the orchard. I get to look up lots of natural remedies and preventative measures to common gardening problems... it was actually Mom's idea. I think I'm starting to change the way she thinks about the foods she puts in her body. Even if she refuses to admit it. And gets mad at me when I start preaching about the perils of refined and inorganic foods.
I've been working out everyday for the past two weeks, and I feel great. I've also revamped my diet again, so now I rarely eat anything but fruits and vegetables. I still find it hard to get excited about healthy foods, but at least I haven't had too many cravings for anything else. At first I tried to stick to a 1000-calorie diet, but that lasted all of three days. I've discovered that calorie-counting actually forces me to think about food all of the time. I've come to realize that the "hunger" people experience while on restricted-calorie diets is purely a psychological effect of having to constantly analyze every bite of food consumed. Kicking the food addiction requires that you essentially put food on the back burner, and start putting other things in your life first. Calorie counting is not the way to do that.
Portion-control, on the other hand, is the name of the game. I eat slowly, and only until I don't feel hungry anymore. And I snack constantly (usually on fruits), especially before meals. It really helps to keep me from eating too much and too quickly.
Finally, I've also cut down on TV watching. I think that just happened naturally once I became more active though. You'd be surprised how much more time you have in a day once you cut TV out of your life. Suddenly you have all this free time to pursue other interests, and at the end of the day you actually feel like you accomplished something. |
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| 09:25am 12/07/2007 |
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mood:  creative music: The receptionist.
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I'm now in the process of revamping my room. Since I'll probably be living there for at least the next two years, I figure it's probably worth my while. I've been meaning to do it for a long time now, anyway, but I've never gotten around to it. And for good reason... already I've spent close to a thousand on the project. Who knew decorating could be so expensive? And I'm even shopping at really cheap places - Ikea, and the like. But I'll get to that later.
Nicole helped me to come up with a plan for the room. I've moved my bed out of the closet and turned it into a reading room/study. So the bed is now by the window, which is a blessing during the hot summer months. Especially with my window fan keeping me covered with cool air.
Now, onto Ikea. It is a wonderland. My happy place. A wonderful world of really awesome, cute stuff for really cheap. I could spent hours there and never notice. In fact, I have. I'm now in the process of putting together all of the stuff I bought. It's definitely a process. I spent hours on it last night, and I only put together the smaller of my two drawer sets and my filing cabinet. My goal is to create storage for everything in my room. Everything must have a place, so that when I'm cleaning I won't just have to pile everything in a corner or under my couch. After all, I don't have a multi-purpose storage room to throw stuff into... ;) |
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| Oops... |
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| 08:03am 09/07/2007 |
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mood:  embarrassed
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Um... yeah. That last entry was supposed to be a private rant. |
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| The simple life... |
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| 03:27am 06/06/2007 |
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mood: calm music: Frou Frou
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It's the simple things in life you treasure... like when you're stuck in the library at 3:30 in the morning working on a paper you've been putting off for a week, and the vending machine drops an ice cream bar along with that personal pan pizza you selected. |
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| 11:26am 07/05/2007 |
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mood:  cheerful
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I just got the tea set of my dreams! I really don't know what took me so long. Get set for many super cool tea parties...
I really want to try making my own tea. Anything would be cheaper than buying it at teavana. That place is ridiculous. They've got some amazing stuff, but I don't think any of it is worth what they ask. |
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| Ah... that's much better. |
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| 12:50pm 23/04/2007 |
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mood: calm
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I had a really bad night last night, but now I'm doing much better. It's amazing what a little sun and initiative can do for one's outlook. I even woke up at 7 AM this morning! I'm still having some trouble with motivation, but I figure that it will come in time. I've taken to carrying around a moleskin notebook wherever I go, which helps me to jot down thoughts and such when I need to. Already it has made a huge difference, and it wouldn't be a bad thing to bring to my counseling appointments - just to let them know what's on my mind.
Oh, that reminds me... I've started counseling. I've been having a huge problem with depression these last few months, and although I think I've made it through the worst of it, I still have bouts from time to time. Like last night, for instance. That was definitely one of the worst.
Anyway, I've decided that I'm not going to watch any more TV for at least a week. Scrubs is the root of all evil - it only serves as a ready distraction from what I need to be doing (don't worry, Nicole... I'll still watch it with you). So last night I unplugged my TV and my DVD player. I thought I'd miss it, but to be honest I already feel liberated.
I've also come to realize that my apartment is a vortex. Every day, as soon as I enter my front door, the outside world disappears. Time stands still, and I'm never able to focus on anything I need to do. While I'm at my apartment, all I'm able to do is relax and watch movies and do crafts, and I think this is why apartment has become (in my mind, at least) the epicenter of procrastination. It prevents me from concentrating on anything important or productive. |
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| Good times... |
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| 10:23pm 20/04/2007 |
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mood: calm
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I just spent an entire day by myself, in my apartment. I cleaned, sent out a crap-load of e-mails, ordered a new phone, cooked an amazing dinner, and watched ungodly amounts of Scrubs. Chloe puked today, but at least I got her off the new rug in time. All in all, a good day.
Oh, and the best part? I did absolutely NO homework. Not that this is very unusual, but at least today I didn't have to feel guilty about it. It's a Friday, after all. |
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northern_light's journal